Some light hearted jokes

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

One armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out…

I was looking on Freecycle the other day and I saw this advert that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve. How do you get that out?

I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that!

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing – serves him right.